{"id":123,"date":"2025-05-04T21:15:19","date_gmt":"2025-05-04T21:15:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thecynicalpatriot.com\/?p=123"},"modified":"2025-06-10T20:03:26","modified_gmt":"2025-06-10T20:03:26","slug":"the-drowning-man","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thecynicalpatriot.com\/?p=123","title":{"rendered":"The Drowning Man"},"content":{"rendered":"
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He sat in the dimly lit room and stared at the two bottles. The place was quiet. They were all away at some church function. His mind felt numb, enveloped by a fog that he knew the whiskey and pills could not clear.<\/p>\n

The one thing I\u2019ve been consistently good at is failure.<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a cruel sort of talent\u2014<\/em><\/p>\n

not the kind they write songs about,<\/em><\/p>\n

not the kind you put on a r\u00e9sum\u00e9.<\/em><\/p>\n

But it clings to me like smoke after fire.<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve failed as a husband.<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve failed as a father.<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve failed as a leader.<\/em><\/p>\n

I was supposed to do what was right \u2014<\/em><\/p>\n

and I didn\u2019t.<\/em><\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t.<\/em><\/p>\n

The memories of each failure burns like a torch to my very soul. They replay in my head as piercing reminders of when I lost them\u2014<\/em><\/p>\n

or maybe they lost me\u2014<\/em><\/p>\n

Since then I haven\u2019t made it a week without the whisper:<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou could end this.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

A thought soft as silk,<\/em><\/p>\n

but sharp as a razor in the dark.<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not melodrama.<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s math.<\/em><\/p>\n

The weight keeps adding.<\/em><\/p>\n

And I\u2019m sinking under the sum.<\/em><\/p>\n

I finally clawed out some fragile peace\u2014<\/em><\/p>\n

in dirt and sweat and honest labor.<\/em><\/p>\n

The only thing lately that doesn\u2019t feel like a lie<\/em><\/p>\n

is the blister on my palm,<\/em><\/p>\n

the ache in my back.<\/em><\/p>\n

And the silence.<\/em><\/p>\n

the silence.<\/em><\/p>\n

Not judgment. Not performance.<\/em><\/p>\n

Just the hum of being human.<\/em><\/p>\n

But now they\u2019re angry.<\/em><\/p>\n

Angry that I\u2019m not dancing the same old puppet jig.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re distant.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019ve gone astray.\u201d \"You've become someone else\"<\/em><\/p>\n

No\u2014<\/em><\/p>\n

for the first time in my life, I haven\u2019t.<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve stopped pretending.<\/em><\/p>\n

I laid the mask down,<\/em><\/p>\n

and they trampled it like a broken toy.<\/em><\/p>\n

Now I\u2019m a problem to fix.<\/em><\/p>\n

A patient to medicate.<\/em><\/p>\n

A man to be steered back into their idea of useful.<\/em><\/p>\n

Where were they<\/em><\/p>\n

when I was bleeding inside,<\/em><\/p>\n

smiling on the outside?<\/em><\/p>\n

Where were their questions<\/em><\/p>\n

when I was drinking myself numb<\/em><\/p>\n

just to make it through one more performance?<\/em><\/p>\n

They don\u2019t want me.<\/em><\/p>\n

They want the illusion I used to be.<\/em><\/p>\n

They want the tough guy,<\/em><\/p>\n

the agreeable servant,<\/em><\/p>\n

the great teacher, the functional fraud.<\/em><\/p>\n

But I am none of those things.<\/em><\/p>\n

I am broken.<\/em><\/p>\n

I am burnt ground.<\/em><\/p>\n

I am a cracked foundation<\/em><\/p>\n

with ghosts living in the walls.<\/em><\/p>\n

And I don\u2019t know if I can stay afloat.<\/em><\/p>\n

Not with this storm inside.<\/em><\/p>\n

Not when drowning sometimes<\/em><\/p>\n

feels like the only kind of peace<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll ever understand.<\/em><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to die.<\/em><\/p>\n

I just don\u2019t know how to live<\/em><\/p>\n

as me.<\/em><\/p>\n

Not the version they approve.<\/em><\/p>\n

Not the lie they praise.<\/em><\/p>\n

Just me.<\/em><\/p>\n

And maybe that\u2019s the real tragedy.<\/em><\/p>\n

That the moment I try to be honest\u2014<\/em><\/p>\n

I lose everyone.<\/em><\/p>\n

Even myself.<\/em><\/p>\n

Slowly he stares up at the ceiling. Puts the whiskey and pills back in their places. Out the door. A long walk. Sunlight. Wind. Trees rustling.<\/p>\n

One more day.<\/em><\/p>\n

I can make it.<\/em><\/p>\n

One more day.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

-Cyn<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t

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If I were an honorable man, I suppose I might say a few things I\u2019m apparently no longer qualified to say. I might say that grown adults shouldn\u2019t speak to one another like feral children playing dominance games on the schoolyard. I might say that public power, the kind held in trust, not seized for…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":125,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-123","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-essays","category-fiction"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thecynicalpatriot.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/123","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thecynicalpatriot.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thecynicalpatriot.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thecynicalpatriot.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thecynicalpatriot.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=123"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/thecynicalpatriot.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/123\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":124,"href":"https:\/\/thecynicalpatriot.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/123\/revisions\/124"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thecynicalpatriot.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/125"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thecynicalpatriot.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=123"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thecynicalpatriot.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=123"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thecynicalpatriot.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=123"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}